By my own Measure, I’m Never quite Good enough.

15967687_10158030966180254_613633899_o“I am always comparing my weaknesses to someone else’s strengths, so no wonder I’m worn out all the time”

I’m tired.

I say that so often that I feel like its lots its meaning.

I say it to my kids. I say it to my husband. I say it to the check out chick when I can’t remember my pin number. I say it to my friends when I didn’t hear what they were saying. I say it to people when they come to visit and I haven’t done the house work.

“sorry, I’m just so tired”

And I apologise for it just as much.

I apologise for it because I don’t feel like I am entitled to be tired all the time because I only have 2 children, and some people have 10.

Or because I don’t have a job and some people work full time.

Or because I’m married and some people are raising their kids alone.

And I can’t just sleep it off because the problem is, I am always comparing myself to other people, and that makes me very very tired indeed.

I compare myself to the woman with 4 kids and a spotless house. I compare myself to the full time working mum who still cooks dinner every night. I compare myself to the mum who has the energy and patience to go to playgrounds and different places every day. I compare myself to friends I have who don’t even have kids but are the same age as me, so I should have what they do.

I think of all the excuses I make for not working out every day, for getting take aways twice this week or for having weeds in the garden. I feel like I’m always making excuses and always expecting more of myself.

Considering my situation I should have plenty of time and money but I always seem to be running short on both.

Presumably, because my kids aren’t babies anymore, they should sleep through the night but they don’t

Supposedly I should have a clean and tidy house because I’m in it all day but my house is a mess because I’m in it all day

Apparently I should have heaps of time to socialise but I often feel lonely

I’m a stay at home mum so theoretically, I should be able to get enough sleep and nap when I want to but I’m always exhausted.

Im a stay at home so in all likelihood, I have the time to have all aspects of my life running seamlessly.

Except I really fucking don’t. I feel like I’m fumbling everything all the time and I spend so much time trying to work against that, that I wear myself out.

I am the one benchmarking myself against expectations that don’t actually exist and are completely irrelevant.

By my own measure, I’m never quite good enough and No amount of sleep will fix that kind of exhaustion.

My head is always is so full of the things I “should” be doing that I really don’t give myself much of a chance to be proud of what I’ve done.

 

Maybe I should just start comparing me, to me.

Maybe I could start comparing my good days to my bad days like;

“Hey lady, I know you didn’t put a bra on at all yesterday and you ate all the chocolately things from the kids treat box – but today you walked the dog and did 5 loads of washing. That’s such an improvement. Well done”

Or “Hey lady, I know you’ve battled some demons and I know you’re coming out of a really dark place but atleast you’ve worked out how to fight your way out of there and no longer feel trapped”

I could start comparing the mother I turned out to be against the mother I thought I would be because although I’m no where near as patient or fun as I imagined (and I swear much much more than I thought a “good mother” would)  I am far more selfless and much stronger than I had ever bargained for.

I could compare the first guy I “fell in love with” to the guy I married.

I could compare the cooking skills I had 5 years ago to the fact that we now keep more vegetables than beer in the fridge.

Once upon a time my idea of cleaning the shower was just to spray it with exit mould and hope for the best.

My body is definitely not as firm or smooth or lean as it once was, but I love it a lot more than I used to because this body made miracles.

Comparison with myself brings improvement. Comparison with others makes me fucking miserable. I either feel superior or inferior and neither of those serves me any purpose.

Maybe it’s OK to be tired all the time because when you dissect it all, I do a lot and the things I do a lot of may be different to the things you do a lot of, but that doesn’t make them wrong or bad.

I never stop thinking or learning or growing.

Maybe its Ok that we’re all good at different stuff and that what makes our villages thrive.

Maybe I don’t go to all the school assemblies or cut my kids snacks into shapes or have the latest range of activewear or visit the newest playgrounds – but I know all the words to the kindy songs and I can make cinnamon rolls JUST the way my kids like them.

I am always comparing my weaknesses to someone else’s strengths, so no wonder I’m worn out all the time.

Maybe a little more self comparison will help me recharge my batteries, instead of constantly draining of them.

2 thoughts on “By my own Measure, I’m Never quite Good enough.

  1. Self love is the biggest most hardest but doable kick ass skill you can develop. Step 1: look in the mirror and say something nice to yourself (I started with I have hair). Step 2: repeat. Great blog, gorg. One I needed to read today. We are all enough as we are. xx

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  2. I am an over thinker and I think it is so hard to not compare yourself, I do it all the time and on top of that worry what everyone else thinks too. They probably don’t even notice the stuff I notice. The other day when I went for a run I saw this beautiful yellow flower on the side of the road, just all by itself and it made me smile. I took a picture of it and it reminded me that we can always find goodness and wonderful things in everything, just sometimes we forget to look or we are so busy looking at everything else. We are tired because we care so much xx

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